I know, as usual I am lacking in the post department but I have not been inspired to write -- anything -- in almost a month now. Even less inspired to blog something over a longer period, but maybe blogging my disjointed thought process will help get my creative juices flowing again.
It would be very nice if I could climb over the deceptive mountain in my path for writing. I have tried so many different things in terms of ideas and perspectives to write from, but something always happens to make what I am working on... not work and I am very frustrated about this. There is a story in my head, but the time and place for where to start it is killing me creatively.
Lately, I have read the blogs of my friends and loved ones about happy memories, how life changes and how our priorities change with it (as well as the feelings that go with it). While these things often cause a feeling of depression and despair about mentally being able to hold on to the "good times" that everyone has had in the past, I am somewhat disheartened that no one seems to look forward to the future. It simply seems like everyone is still clinging to the past; as if there is nothing to be happy about for the rest of their lives or as if people cannot be happy or thankful for the good fortunes that they have even now.
True, Beau and I are not in the best financial situation on earth, but we are more fortunate than some people. Work is slim in this area, and as I once again log in to Worksource and scour the Daily A for want ads, things are looking just a little bit worse than before. There is an want ad for an "experienced" waitress that I missed yesterday on Worksource, and it wants someone with three years experience. I know that I do not qualify, yet I will send in a resume and application despite the requirement since they chose to freely give out the contact information. Most companies are smarter than this place, unless this particular hotel & spa was hoping for a flood of resumes. Nothing else new has been posted in a week though, and tourist season has officially begun.
This isn't so bad though. Perhaps it is the endorphins from this mornings work out, or maybe I am just a tiny bit more crazy today then the day before. Still, it isn't so bad. I have the person I love to share my problems with, to spend my time with. There is a good home (where I desperately spend most of my time in an attempt to keep myself from spending money and staying on a healthier diet) environment for us. Also, I have my strange cats to keep me company during the days in this oddly complacent and quiet little community. Life is -- in general -- calm despite the slue of expenditures that have piled up over the past couple of months: washer & dryer, Duck tickets, car parts, new suits, lawn mower parts, etc.
As some people may have heard, we bought a new High Efficiency washer and dryer. Beau was not the only one astounded at the lack of noise that both machines made. We also discovered the joy of fabric softener and bleach/color protection depending on the load which has been at least a little bit amusing. One of my favorite comforters that I have had for years now is a Hello Kitty comforter (garishly pink and white, I assure you). That thing was so old I did not expect it to be soft by any means, but it had always been comfortable and warm to me. Now though, the fabric softener has made it soft and even more comfortable. So comfortable that I steal it at night when both of us are sleeping and find myself wrapped up and hogging it all come morning.
True, there was a time when I would have balked at the idea of a new washer and dryer being an exciting buy, but not anymore. As I have begun to accept that I am aging, I realize what "tools" we use to make ourselves comfortable in life. Buying something comfortable or to make our lives easier has become exciting to me. Not exciting in an 'Price Is Right - Showcase Showdown' winner sort of way, but the excitement of knowing that yes, we are adults and we know what we want/need to smooth the path before us. A calm-excitement if you will, that only deepens my confidence in life as a relaxed individual.
Perhaps something that also comes with age is the unwinding of being high-strung. I know that I am still easily stressed out (not holding a job stresses me out a great deal as does a cat still recovering from nerve damage), but I don't believe that I am nearly as bad as I was before. The exercise regimen is probably helping with this as well as our upcoming trip to Hawaii.
With the quickly approaching vacation, I have gone into super exercise-diet mode. I seem to go through phases where I exercise "normally" but then become sick after about 3-4 weeks and fall off the healthy living track which has landed me at a steady, size 12 waist. My body is in even more pain after one of those derailings which makes it even more difficult for me to convince myself that I should work out again. There was a good 2-3 weeks where my lower back and hip would spasm constantly throughout the day no matter how much I stretched and I am pretty certain now that it was just because of the lack of exercise. Since I have started my regimen again, I haven't had a day filled with back and hip spasms: an abundance of sore and tired muscles, yes, but sore in a good way. The exercise has also assisted me in consuming fewer calories. I do not know why this is the case -- and honestly I don't care except for that it somehow helps me -- but I am simply not nearly as hungry when I work out. Also, I do not crave as many sweets/salty snacks. I sat here in front of the lap top for most of the day yesterday with an open bag of home made, chocolate chip cookies. The smell of sacrin goodness wafting out of the bag whenever I would shift or stretch, unintentionally moving the table. But I just didn't want one until much later in the day, and that One was almost over kill. I think I practically chugged down the rest of my nalgene of water and a glass of milk after slowly nibbling my way for an hour through a single cookie.
This is such a huge improvement. There used to be a time not even a year ago when I could eat an entire pan of my triple chocolate, super moist & rich brownies in less then a day. I don't think I could do that now, and I probably shouldn't be surprised when I see someone else that can do that (but I am). It isn't a willing reaction, this surprise. It's more like my brain has forgotten what tortures my body was capable of handling in a dietary manner; and as such, surprise ensues from witnessing someone else enjoy tasty treats like I used to.
Over the past three days, I have really been enjoying working out and this mornings change in DVD's was really fantastic. Beau thinks that the DVD's that I have are silly, and they really are if you're watching someone else do it or are extremely self-concious. But they are fabulous for me. Having grown up doing dance, gymnastics, volley ball (and an assortment art and music), this is something that really appeals to me. I also really get into it which is nice so I don't realize how pleasantly exhausted I am until I am stretching out on the floor. As I was saying though, the DVD that I used today was a nice change to switch things up and I can understand the necessity for it so I don't hit another plateau like I did when I hit my size 12 waist (for a few months I was up to a size 16 after we moved out here and my body was so heavy that I HAD to do something or I thought my back would tear itself apart from the weight of my chest). So today, I did the sculpting and strength training for an hour.
Since I have no weights aside from the gloves I use for my aerobic work outs (which, honestly I could and should have used today... maybe. I thought that I was weaker than I am), I decided to do this work out for the first time with no added weight at all. This particular DVD brought back the mental and muscular memories of warm ups and workouts from my days of doing dance and gymnastics, and I felt even better about myself when I realize that my legs were not entirely lost even after eight years of not dancing. (That's right, for those of you that didn't know, I was still taking dance classes for my first 2-3 years at the UO). Still, without the glove-weights on, that was quite a work out. I went as full-out as I could and was feeling fantastic, exhausted and sweating -- which is a rarity for me despite the amount of liquids I consume in a day -- after an hour. I may or may not try the added weight next time, because lifting my own considerable weight seems a good step for now (it does not look like it to a lot of people, but currently I weigh in around 185 lbs, most of which is still fat, but I actually gained some muscle weight. Hehe, I never thought I would be able to say again that I gained weight in a positive way). We'll see though. With my current rotation of two days aerobics and one day sculpting and weight training, I might lose enough flab and gain enough energy and muscle to use the gloves without killing myself. I certainly hope this is the case.
Right now, my goal is to loose enough flab and gain enough energy to go down one more pant size (and a bra size I hope!) before the Hawaii trip. It would be nice to have enough energy to go do the touristy things that I love to do and then play in the ocean for a bit. I want to go on some hikes while there and I do not want to be out of breath five to ten minutes in. This doesn't seem like a very big goal, and it really isn't in my mind, so maybe I will surpass it!
In other rambling news, Sierpi has been improving slowly but steadily. While we slept last night, there were only two "accidents" that were "expected"; however, one of the cats seems to have been sick all night long. I wasn't very pleased to have to roam the house picking up cat vomit before my work out.; however, I was happy that -- for once -- my stomach staid where it should have when doing something like this. It is apparently not always a bad thing to have a cat recovering from nerve damage that helps control her bodily functions I say! Maybe I will eventually be able to stop gagging at certain smells, sounds, sites and... textures that are easily felt through toilet paper. Still, I don't know which kitty was ill, and both seem to be fine now so I will not worry about it.
